Minding the Gap


You might notice the gap in dates from my first posts to this one. I guess I got cold feet. Even though I’m writing anonymously, this is scary to put myself out there. But the other gap I wanted to address in this post is the one that currently cradles my thoughts and feelings on gender dysphoria. Oh yeah, I’m afraid to go there, to that chasm that lies between my intellect and my heart. And the gap between me and my child.

That gap between the two of us is wider than I ever thought it could be. I’m still struggling to understand how my little boy, the one that caught frogs, who was obsessed with planes, trains, and automobiles, the one I thought would one day become an aerospace engineer, ever had thoughts that he was a she.

They say most transgender people know they are different from a very early age. But, we knew MJ was not neurotypical since the day she was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome at age 8. She was always different. There’s always been a divide between her and everyone else. But when she admitted gender dysphoria and the pain it was causing her, I understood that there was a gap I had to close – the gap between not wanting to believe she could be transgender and loving and accepting her as my child.

I know this much is true, God creates each one of us with unique gifts, talents and abilities. MJ is no exception, she IS exceptional. And I LOVE her! So for me, this journey about finding MJ’s juice, is about helping her discover God’s path and plan for her life.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Psalm 139:13-15

It isn’t an easy journey. There has been a lot of yelling, lots of crying, and lots and lots of prayer. I’ve also done a ton of reading, of connecting with people who are on similar journeys, and weekly visits with psychologists. I’ve talked it out with friends and many of my fellow sisters in Christ. And I’ve been incredibly fortunate that my family has been so loving and supportive. I’ve been blessed to have each of these people in my life, especially my rock of a husband and my own mom.

I pray each day for wisdom and guidance. I take one day at a time and wait for God to reveal the next step. Each post I make here is prayerfully and thoughtfully considered. I hope the Holy Spirit speaks through me. I guess I’m not just minding it, I’m standing in the gap.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

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