Is it Time Yet? to Light it Up Blue …and Pink and White

Lately there have been some odd confluences such as Easter and April Fools day and snow falling on the first day of spring. And last Saturday was the Trans Day of Visibility and Monday was Autism Awareness Day and so I’ve been deeply considering that it may be time to finally come out on Facebook and let everyone know that my child is a double rainbow kid. She is someone who lives on both the gender spectrum and the autism spectrum. But then another coinciding event – my former church announced that they will be discussing (again) what they think the Bible says about homosexuality and transgender. And I thought, oh no, maybe this is not a good time, because I’m pretty sure they haven’t changed their minds since the last time I heard a sermon about it there. And a large percentage of my Facebook friends are people I met at that church.

But then again, if these days are set aside to give visibility to transgender people and autistic people in order to increase understanding and acceptance, then maybe its the perfect time to let everyone know that not only does my child exist, but she is a wonderful human, created in God’s image. She lives and breathes among you and she is not someone you should fear or shun. If you meet her, you’ll be impressed by her.

MJ has become a skilled photographer and outspoken activist. She designed and 3-d printed a sculpture reminiscent of the Bernie Boston’s Flower Power image from the Vietnam War protests in 1967. She produced quite a few of them that were carried by activists and photographed during the March for Our Lives event on March 24.

As a person with Asperger’s Syndrome, she knows a great deal and can speak articulately about the things she’s passionate about. She’s currently developing a speech regarding internet privacy issues, Facebook, and net neutrality which she will deliver to groups of college students next week. She has an in-depth knowledge and detailed grasp of the issues and is working hard to explain them in a way that will convince people to protect themselves and to get out and vote intelligently. I’m so happy that she’s found a productive outlet for her some of her frustrations. She is a beautiful person inside and out.

While MJ has been out for a long time now, I’ve been carefully choosing who to come out to. As a protective mother, I have been surprised by and incredibly grateful for all of the love and understanding of family and friends that I’ve shared with. One of the reasons I thought to come out on Facebook now is because I want to share freely about all of the cool stuff MJ has been doing and not have to debate about which pronouns and which name to use.

I think its important for people to understand there’s always another side to the story, other perspectives and other interpretations to consider. I don’t have any illusions of me changing everyone’s mind. But I wish that my Facebook friends would be humble enough to consider that they might be wrong about their beliefs and to remember that its more important to love than to be right. Consider the questions posed by Noel Koenke in her article published in the National Catholic Reporter:

Could we be born inherently good instead of with “original sin”? What kind of person do you think a child could grow to be if from birth they were told they are inherently good and worthy of love? Less anger, less sadness, less depression and more authentically living the life God intended?

Could we pursue happiness in this life instead of “carrying our cross” and waiting for a reward in the next? What does venerating sacrifice do to the self-worth of the individual? How does a life in pursuit of joy exist in any contradiction to the love of God?

Could we simply be human and treat others with kindness, actively making time to connect with the universe and all that is in it, rather than having the “commandment” to love our enemies? Isn’t love only love if freely given? Is commanding it of others with the threat of punishment a free choice?

Could we radically accept all people, celebrating the diversity of difference rather than shaming their uniqueness? I speak directly in favor of LGBT persons who are marginalized and chastened for their honest expression of God’s love. Where is Jesus in all this? What does the church lose, other than a monopoly of control, in loving and accepting and smiling upon all God’s people?

MJ has stated many times that she doesn’t want me to make a big deal about her gender identity and I don’t want to make a big deal about it either. But I’m tired of hiding and feel its important that people know my story. I want to be able to share MJ’s accomplishments freely. Maybe I just start posting about the things she is doing, using her preferred name and pronouns. If people ask, then I’ll be happy to answer their questions. But I don’t know if I want to deal with any negativity and unsolicited advice. Given all of the criticism of Facebook, and the convincing arguments that MJ has made to completely get off of it, I’m so conflicted! April is Autism Awareness Month so if I don’t do it soon, I guess I’ll wait until next year. Or, maybe I post and then close my Facebook account. Ugh!

What do you think? Should I go for it? Light it up blue …and pink and white? Will it make a difference or would it just be asking for trouble?

About Time

Sometimes I don’t write because it seems there’s nothing new happening. And then suddenly it seems as if too much is happening and I just can’t find the time to reflect and write. MJ hasn’t been so busy since her last internship ended. But the past couple of weeks were busy with appointments for both of us. MJ had appointments with Pathways, Whitman Walker, and her psychologist.

The Pathways team, MJ’s psychologist, and I have been stressing to her, the importance of getting on a more regular schedule. We want her to wake up at a reasonable hour and work at her desk for the better part of each day, whether she works on paying work or not. She’s agreed to do it, but so far she’s been struggling with insomnia at night and ends up sleeping much of the day. We’ve set up call to let her freelance employer know that she is recommitting to getting up and being available for more projects and projects that may require quicker turnaround times. Pathways is also still searching for a permanent job. I’ll have to let you know how all of that goes.

In high school she had a hard time getting to school on time but she never had this much trouble waking up before. Alarm clocks and all the tricks we’ve tried just don’t work. I’m tired from trying to get her up each day. It seems to me that as gender dysphoria has gripped her tighter, the less she wants to be up and out in the world. It’s been debilitating. She is reclusive and I think she would rather sleep all day than have to show up as a person she isn’t comfortable with.

MJ came out to me about 7 years ago. It’s taken me this long to understand and accept that she’s transgender. When she first told me, I thought it was possible that it was another obsession of hers. She’s had many obsessions, typical for people with Asperger’s Syndrome. But gender dysphoria isn’t going away. It’s hold on her is getting worse.

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Mama Bears Dig Deeper, Love Wider

Last weekend I was privileged to attend the Gay Christian Network Conference. I was invited to go with my dear friend, a fellow “Mama Bear” as the mom’s of LGBTQ kids are called. When I got home, MJ said, “I can’t believe you went to that.” I told her that I went because my journey is different than her journey. See, as a Mama Bear, I will protect my child fiercely and do everything I can to give her the opportunity to grow into the person she was created to be, to set her on the path that God has chosen for her. I want to know that she will be granted salvation and we will see each other in eternity.

I went to the conference with not a lot of expectation but I knew that I would come away with, at the very least, some language. And, I learned far more than I thought I ever could. I’m still processing it all but I can tell you that God has definitely broken my heart for what breaks his. The LGBTQ community yearns to be known, to be affirmed. The world tells them they are not worthy, but God loves each of them.

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Another Internship, a NYC Adventure, and More Ground Covered

Work’s been keeping me from writing and that’s a good thing, but now I have a lot to tell you. First off, MJ will be starting another internship next week and Pathways helped her line up some possible freelance graphic design work. In the meantime, she made her way to New York City for a concert. She also emailed Whitman Walker to make an appointment… AND we celebrated her birthday. As she’s getting older, I’m noticing more maturity and am encouraged by the growth she’s had this summer.

The Pathways team set up this second internship with a publishing company and I think they’ve found a good match. MJ felt comfortable with the employees she was introduced to at the meet and greet. She’ll mostly be putting magazine ads together, but I believe there will be opportunity to do some photography too. Unfortunately it will be more layout and less design but a good environment to practice discipline and develop healthy work habits. There will be a lot more structure and more clearly defined tasks and deliverables than in her previous internship. It also seems that this time there may be an opportunity for employment after 10 weeks. The main concern MJ has is that they work on Macs and she prefers PCs. It will be an adjustment and I just pray she isn’t going to be to obstinate about it.

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Waited Out the Storm, Got Rewarded by A Rainbow

Recently, as is often the case in summer, a quickly moving thunderstorm passed over us at the beach. My husband and I decided to wait it out and as the sky cleared, a rainbow appeared on the horizon. That’s kinda the way life is for us, isn’t it?

Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth.
– Genesis 9:16

While the news has been filled with reports of occurrences demonstrating unrest around the world, I think there’s a widespread concern that we are on the brink of certain disaster. And here in the U.S., no matter what side you fall on, the political climate and upcoming election has us on edge. Yet most of us also have more personally pressing concerns to deal with in our families and everyday lives. We are waiting out the storms, praying for change, and anxiously waiting for better days to come.

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Snowzilla: God Makes Us Wait

I haven’t posted in a while, mostly because I’ve been very busy at work, but also because there wasn’t much to report. We weren’t making much progress toward the new year’s goals. MJ still hadn’t gotten back to that great sleep/wake schedule she had going before the holidays. And then “snowzilla” happened. I won’t kid you, I had a hard time staying focused on the positive and finding encouragement. But I know that God sent the snow, reminding us that He is in charge. He ordered us to be still for a bit and take a break. (Yeah, that’s my car under that pile of snow.) I recognized that I was deep in waiting mode… waiting for Pathways to find an internship opportunity, waiting for the weather to give us a break and for the roads to be cleared, waiting for God to work things out.

Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!
–Psalm 27:13-14

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New Year, New Chapter

We had a very quiet and peaceful Christmas and I am so happy we’ve said goodbye to 2015. It was a difficult year for the whole family. We ended the year with a flurry of activity as we wrapped up MJ’s resume and portfolio and prepared for the holidays. So, I’ve been letting MJ take a breather while I focus on some other things. Here’s a quick recap and some thoughts for the year ahead.

MJ started the year still struggling to get through college classes. We fought constant battles to stay on top of the work so she could pass. After 4 years of community college, we were doubtful that MJ would ever be able to get a degree and she was unsure of what direction to take. We felt like there were very few alternatives to school and not many opportunities available. I was still having a rough time comprehending her gender issues and was distressed by the nocturnal schedule she was keeping. She also had some online relationships that proved to be toxic and often times debilitating.

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Changing Church

It has taken me a long time to write this post because I don’t want to offend anyone. I like to think of myself as a peacekeeper. So, I took my time with it and chose my words carefully. Also, as we got closer to Thanksgiving, I wanted to be sensitive to the timing of this message. Let me just say that this is written in the spirit of me trying to think things through. Let’s work this out together.

I had originally planned to write this post as a one-sided bashing of the church for its failure to include and minister to transgender people and the people that love them. But, a few weekends ago I went on a retreat with some of the most godly women I know. While there, God showed me a few things that softened my heart. I still feel “the church” needs to change but the church is made up of people. Some of those people, like the women I joined on the retreat, are individuals who radiate Jesus’ love so brightly. Some people are just like me, who love the Lord and are questioning things. If you wonder how you might better serve the LGBTQ community, this message is for you. If you have been rallying against “the church” this message is for you too.

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My Path to Peace: Part 1 – Three Lenses for Viewing Transgender

3 lenses

I admit, when MJ first came out to me I did not take it well at all. I went through stages of grief, mourning the loss of the child I thought I knew. In order to find peace, I also had to reconcile what I believe about God and the Bible with what I believe and know about my child. The process took a long time but I finally feel like I have reached a level of understanding where I can verbalize my thoughts… at least in writing. I am sure that God used this situation to get my attention and push me to work through them.

Back when MJ first told me about her distress, I considered myself to be strong in my faith. But, I also tended to follow along with whatever my church told me was true. I wanted to believe whatever my ministers said, and believe the same as my Christian friends believe. As I’ve been researching, reading about different viewpoints, studying scriptures, praying… listening to and hearing from God, I have come to realize that it is really OK if I don’t agree with my church.

To get a full understanding of our situation I would also have to listen to psychologists, medical doctors, scientists, and the experiences of other people who have been where I am. I have to listen to my child and to God and the answers He’s giving to my prayers. To close my ears to them and listen only to what the church tells me would be unwise. And not that I would let the ways of the world cloud my judgment, but I would have to prayerfully consider everything. And let me be clear, that I have been diligent about that and cautious about the places I go for information. In fact, I pray for God to show me what he wants to because there is way too much information on the internet. I have to believe only what the Holy Spirit directs me to believe while I pray for God to grant me wisdom and discernment.

In the next few weeks I will attempt to share some of the things I’ve learned and experiences that have brought me to a place where I feel at peace with however things go with MJ. I know God is in control and has a plan. I hope and pray that my story will help you process your thoughts about what it means to be transgender. I also pray that you can see MJ through my eyes, as a real person and not a freak or a curiosity. She’s a child of God, worthy of all the love and riches God offers to each of us. I pray that God will use my story for good, to promote understanding and generate compassion. It’s taken me 5 years to get to this point. So, it may take a few posts to say what I need to say.

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Distorted Reality


Yard sales sound like they should be easy enough, right? Just put some prices to your stuff and set it out on the driveway. Hah! It was a lot of work. I think I’m five times more tired than after running a 5k. It was totally not worth the effort and I’m never doing one again. This time I mean it. But this isn’t the only distorted reality I want to address today.

MJ and I went to review her profiles last week. On the way to our appointment, MJ said she was fat. Now that is a distorted reality. She is so tall and skinny. We talked a bit about body image and I tried to get a sense of how she feels and what she understands. I asked if she gets that the way you look is not who you are. And I think this is a key distinction for all of us to make… that we are not defined by our physical bodies.

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